April Fools, Emmett Style
by ilalalaloveyou
Summary: Does anyone wonder what happens on the fateful day of April fools in the Cullen household? Watch Emmett pull pranks on the coven. Emmett POV. Vampire. one shot.
1. The pranks

Today is the wee hours of April fools day. Its my favourite day of the year, with good reasoning. I get to overlook the "Mature Vampire" side of my being and morph into my favourite half, "Prankster Emmett". April Fools is more important to me than all the holidays combined. I know for a fact that everyone fears my fateful tricks, and I dont need Edwards abilty to see that. I take my role very responsibly on this day of fools, meaning I never make any final decisions, as to set off Alice, though things lately have been easier with the dog and the kid around. This was the first year I could put my full wrath on Bella, as last year at this time, she was merely a frail Human. For years, I checked into every resource I could find, hoping to find ideas for my now infamous pranks, with no such luck. The whole toothpaste in oreo's wouldn't work, obviously. I can to the conclusion ages ago that I need a distraction, searching the earth for something to keep the whole families eyes on one object while i planned and commited my pranks. Last year, my wish came true. Reneesme kept everyones full attention on her, whether intended or not. I planned on pranking everyone, with the exception of Renesmee and Bella, just because I knew that if I so much as touched a hair on one of their heads, Edward would have me torn limb by limb and in a pile of ashes before I could speak.

I felt that it would be helpful for me to go alone and plan, due to Edwards' freak of nature talent. I sat on a rock, carefully controlling my weight, as not to break it. I needed a full list of what to do and who to do it too. Rosalie, hm, I might just have to tamper with something she loves more than life itself. Me! I laughed mentally at my own joke, knowing I would have to do better than that. Mental note; Find prank for Rosie. Next is Esme, she is compassionate and mild mannered, but nothing upsets her more than seeing her carefully construed house get dirty. Almost all of us vampires were immaculate, though no one could quite do dirty like me. I laughed again, this time out loud. I knew for a fact that I could make this prank better if I involved Carlisle, without his knowing maybe. I knew Edwards would have to be something safer, just because I couldn't involve the loves of his life, it made it that much harder. Another mental note; Think of something for Edward. Nevermind, dont think about it. He'll hear me. I didn't even bother thinking of Alice's because I knew if I thought of something she would see it. Pointless. Jaspers would have to be simple. Anything more elaborate, and he would get so mad, that you would feel anger too. He was manipulative that way.

I ran home, trying not think about anything, while reciting dialogue from all the Lord of the Ring's movies. Sure to tick Edward off. And with that I walked into the door.

In a matter of minutes my pranks would begin. This would be among one of the most challenging years yet, for some unknown reason, I could feel it.

I would start with Esme. She was just so easy. I grabbed a pair of Carlisle's shoes, and with that, ran into the stream, unthinkly, as to not give any insight to the omniscients. I shoves his shoes into the mud and ran home carefully making footsteps on the floor, exactly the same amount of space between each one as when Carlisle walks. I led the footprints to the garage, where Carlisle was speaking to Rosalie.

Before five seconds were up, I heard someone scream.

"Carlisle Cullen! You get your butt over here!" She shouted. Esme rarely shouted, this was good.

I saw Carlisle scramble , if a vampire can scramble, and ran towards her, obviously shocked by the tone of her voice.

"But Esme, I didn't do it!" I heard him plead. I snickered at his pathetic attempt. I decided that maybe, Carlisle's trick wasn't enough. So with that, I ran into the room where him and Esme were standing, her shooting glares at him.  
"Carlisle! There's a new type of cancer out there now! Something to do with some earlobe or something!" I lied, trying to muster up excitement. He took the bait, excusing himself to leave the room, much to his liking. I ran up behind him and gave him the URL for the website, , he believed it had to do with the right earlobe firmness. HA! I watched as his excitement turned to confusion and then shock after he typed it in, and watched as women in thongs and lace filled the screen. Gotta love Victoria's Secret.

"Emmett!" He yelled. But before he could take a step towards me, esme called him, she wasn't done her rant about clean floors left. Remind me to thank her later. She just gave me time to perform my next prank.

I ran to Edwards room swiftly, he was out with Bella at some meadow, or something with Renesmee. Perfect opportunity. I took his Debussy cd case, and replaced it with the mystery cd inside. I snuck out. Would he be shocked. I still had time for more master plans. I ran downstairs debating who would be my next victim.

When Rosalie lef the garage, I decided that It would be the only opportunity to get to her baby, her car. I took the engine out carefully, as not to permanatly damage anything, and ran as far and fast as I can. I dug a hole, and buried it. Dang, I was good. I wrote a note too, that I would place on her car. It read;

Rosie,

There was a wild leprechaun in your engine, it said its name was Alice. I needed to remove it from our humble abode. I buried it in hopes of it disappearing, only I dont know where it went now...

LOVE YOU!

Your favourite husband,

Emmy.

I laughed, Alice would just love her nickname. Leprechaun. Fitting for her height.

No one else was either home, pranked or noticed yet, so I decided to once again play a prank on Esme. I called the local acting studio and requested a camera and young man ASAP.

Within the hour, we had them outside. I spoke in a hushed voice, so Carlisle and Esme wouldn't hear, though I would bet that Esme was still scolding Carlisle. Oh how I loved that woman. I explained the plan, and he nodded in response. I ran inside to join Carlisle and Esme.

Momentarily, the doorbell rang.

"Hello there, your on Channel 10 news, could we interview you for a moment?" He asked professionally with the camera in hand.

Esme, being the wonderful hostess agreed immediately and led him inside. He set the camera on the tripod.

"So, how does it feel knowing your beloved "Isle Esme", as the locals call it, has been burned down by locals, claiming the residing family to be vampires.

I watched as shock registered in their faces. And with that , I ushered the actor outside, and paid him.

I walked inside to see a unhappy set of parents. Carlisle looked like he was shooting daggars at me with his stares. Before he could say anything, i heard Fergies song, "Fergalicious" blaring from the speakers upstairs, and with that, I knew Edward had gotten home. Knowing I was in for it, I ran for it. And ran like there was no tomorrow. I arrived at the one place I knew was violence free, Bella's father's house. I knocked on the door.

"Hello Mr Swan. I just wanted to come for a visit, if you dont mind" I announced. He looked a little nervous, though most people are because of my size.

"Um, yeah. Do you want anything to eat?" He grumbled. I involuntarily laughed.

"No cheif, I think im fine." I smiled. It got kind of awkward for about ten minutes there, and I knew sooner or later Id have to go home. So I said my goodbye's and made my way out the door.

On my way home I realized that there was one more person that I needed. Bella, Alice and Nessie could wait. I snuck into the garage sneakily before jumping unnoticed into Jaspers room.

I took out the spray can I had grabbed and wrote "UNION BEATS CONFEDERATE", knowing it would aggravate Jasper beyond belief. I was finishing up the last letter, when the whole family burst in. Jasper's eyes raging after he saw what I'd written. The rest of the family looked plain mad, including Bella and Renesmee, obviously everyone had told them of the pranks.

Without warning they stopped what they were doing and walked out again. Odd, i thought. Oh well. I ran over to the TV ready to play my favourite game, Call of Duty 4, when i noticed all my game consoles were missing. I was going to go ask Edward where they were, knowing he knew these types of things when I saw an open laptop on the counter. The page opened read "XBOX 360, PS2, PS3, NITENDO 64, WII... FOR SALE" with the starting price of.... a penny!?

All of a sudden the phone rang, i ran over to answer it.

"Hello?" I answered, clearly annoyed.

"Hi Mr Schnitzel. Im Mike Newton, Im calling about your game consol set." He droned. I was mad, beyond mad. Why would someone do this... WHY?

"Everytime I put in a game of any of the consoles a message pops up and I dont think its supposed to be there, and I was wondering if you could help." He continued. I figured if I told him it was a misunderstanding he would listen. Maybe Id have to compromise, involve bella.. .. this is mike newton after all, but he still continued.

"The message reads "Emmett Cullen You have been pranked" He said, sounding more aggravated with every word.

I registered what he just said. Emmett Cullen? What? THATS ME! Those little —

My thought was cut off by chuckling...


	2. The payback

I knew at once it was Edward.

How would they attempt to prank me, the prank master? I would never know. Not in my last decades have any of my family tried to prank me. Did they think I've gone soft? And why my beloved games?

"Well, anything else wouldn't matter to you, so why not your 'beloved games'? And, it was time we took action, did you really think we would sit by?" Edward spoke, after hearing my thoughts.

"But... " I responded. Nearly sobbing. Nearly, being the keyword.

"CARLISLE CULLEN! WHY IS THE VICTORIA'S SECRET HOMEPAGE UP ON YOUR DESKTOP IN YOUR OFFICE?" Esme yelled from Carlisle's study. I heard Carlisle run upstairs, at vampire speed.

"It was Emmett, I swear. Why would I go on a website like _that" _he spat out, "When I have you my dear.."

"No, No, No. Carlisle, thats not working on me regardless of what happened . If you dont mind me asking, why didn't you close the screen? Now, go clean the kitchen, or better, the garden." She retorted. I heard a sigh and watched as Carlisle walked into the backyard with a weeder in hand.

I couldn't believe my luck, after I thought the pranks had ended , they had began again!

My thoughts trailed to other plans, when I relaized that I still needed my XBOX. I needed it like I need Rose. I worked out all the ways I could lure the consols back, if not just my xbox, when i had an idea. I quickly set it at the back of my mind before Edward would hear, he would kill me.

Tonight everyone was hunting, everyone but Bella and Nessie, who had gone with Jacob not two nights ago, and seeing as I had already gone last night, my plan would work perfectly.

Everyone left the house at sundown, and if alice saw anything happening, she sure didn't tell Edward.

I took out my cell, and called the newton household.

"Hello" said Mike's scrawny vermin voice. This would be too easy.

"Hello, its Mr Schnitzel. I have a proposition to make." I started, trying to sound professional.

"I am offering to pay $500 for the game consol set back." I offered. Figuring he would decline, i became glad I had a backup.

"Hey sorry, but I kind of like this set. So no thanks..." He declined. I wasn't finished with him yet.

"Okay dude, $1000, and a date with Bella Cullen." I offered. Ooh Edward was going to kill me.

"But isn't she... married?" He stuttered, though my his breathing he wasn't repulsed by the idea. He seemed to like it.

"yes, but this is very important. I can drop Mrs Cullen off at 8, would that suffice?" I finished.

"Yes, sir. See you then." He concluded. Now was the hard part, convincing Bella.

"Bellarina!" I pleaded. "Please, if you do this little date for me, Ill give you all Edwards pictures from the 70's. Please!" I bargained, k nowing this was the one thing she wanted to see for herself still.

"Okay.." She agreed reluctantly. "But Edward doesn't hear a word about this"

I nodded in agreement and told her to get ready. In the meantime, I went into Nessie's room just as she was waking.

"Nessie Im going to babysit you for a while, okay." I told her.

"Sure." She answered simply. Taking her into my arms, I led her to the car, where Bella was now waiting. She put her hand to her mother's cheek.

"Yes Renesmee, Mommy is going to visit a friend. But you mustn't think about it around Daddy, alright?" She explained. Nessie nodded as a response. Perfect.

We loaded everything into the car and drove off to Newton's house. I left Bella at the doorstep and watched her prepare herself mentally for what probably would be the worst night of her existence. I drove around the corner, where I could still hear what was happening for a few mintues. Mike explained how he was taking her to dinner at the lodge. Classy I thought sarcastically. I watched them drive away and returned home. I figured a mature vampire could take care of herself for a bit.

Three hours passed, and soon Bella returned home with my games in hand. YES! Finally, time to play Call of Duty! She set them down and went to check on the once again sleeping Nessie. Geez, whats with these humans, or half humans in her case, and their sleeping. I will never know.

I started thinking about what happened over the nights course and what happened when i heard a bang. Uh oh! Edwards home. Not a second later I saw his face only inches from mine, his eyes raging.

"Why is it so bad that she's gonna see your 70's pics!" I started. But he cut me off.

"No, the fact that you bribed Mike Newton using my wife." He spat. "And, that his scent is all over her lips!" I thought about it, she could esily push him off... except she was smart enough to not let her strength overpower, and give away our kind. Touche Bella.

Edward snarled.

"Obviously, she wasn't smart enough to not listen to anything you say. We will talk later." He retorted. Hmph. Im not sure, this April Fools has the potential of being the best one yet... or the worst.

"I'd count on the latter. " Edward spat. Damn him for listening to my thoughts.

I returned to my Game of COD, when the power went off. With a whoosh, it returned again, only for me to discover my games were gone... again.

"Renesmee, you have a new toy!" I heard from a distance.

"Its for stomping, so run all over it and try to wreck it okay?" Edward continued.

I was about you yell 'NO' when I heard a bang, and with that my games were laid to rest. Live in peace xbox.

Edward was right, definitely the worst April Fools ever.


End file.
